Signed Editions

Most authors can only be bothered to sign one page of their own books. Ed Garland signs every page of these box-fresh collectables, which increases their exchange value by an average of 5000% (depending on market conditions) and creates a powerful Zone of Authenticity around them. When you put one on a shelf, all the other books fall off.

£3.50 inc. p+p.

Copy-editing Email Archive

Ten years’ worth of hot correspondence between Ed Garland and his long-suffering editors on the subject of commas, paragraph breaks, and whether to change certain words and phrases or just delete them, good riddance, what were they even doing there in the first place. Printed on a vellum scroll and delivered in a silver pipe.

£109,000

Meat Portfolio

Ed Garland’s entire non-fiction output carved into a range of lunch-meats and stored in toasted A4 sourdough ring-binders.

£5

Bin Day Debrief

Ed Garland will pop round on Bin Day for a soapy chat about your incessant waste production.

£15,000

What Are You Up To?

For one full week, Ed Garland will follow you around with a notepad in one hand and a biro in the other. Using only these materials and his mind and eyes and arms and ears and increasingly arthritic fingers, he will produce a 250,000-word narrative of your deeds and lore.

£20

Important Staples

Small, metallic and hazardous, this super-limited gift collection tugged out of Ed Garland’s notebooks’ spines will delight anybody who lacks a small, metallic and hazardous object, rusted by the corrosive fumes of literary toil.

£99,99.90

Scriptio Continua Edition

Serious readers used to read texts that didn’t have any gaps between the words. And all the words were Latin but nobody complained. Today’s cowardly bookworms demand so many spaces that the average page is 90% gap, and the average reader’s eyes are all soft and floppy from doing no proper work, just rolling around in their sockets getting coddled like spherical aristocrats. Ed Garland’s scriptio continua edition is a mile-long gap-free sentence, a relentless wallop of raw significance that will re-wire your feeble head, enabling you to experience language like that guy in A Clockwork Orange experiences cinema, but in a good way.

£Negotiable

Formal Inquiry

Ed Garland will conduct a formal inquiry into a mistake of your choice. After a ten-year composition period, you will receive 9,000 pages of formal, inquisitive, and heavily censored prose at a press conference in the function room of a dubious hotel.

£6-7,000,000

Duel

Like Alexander Pushkin, Ed Garland will die from wounds sustained during a mad posh ritual gunfight with you, in St. Petersburg, in the long cold winter of 1837.

£70